Moving On Up (Nothing Can Stop Me)

After 4 years and 4 states, Nathan and I are moving in together. We're making the leap. Taking the plunge. I tried to think of a third idiom to include here because I like lists of three, but I couldn't think of one. 

As exciting as it is to take the next step in my relationship (oh, there's that last idiom), it's also really anxiety-inducing. But my foremost concern hasn't really been cohabitation. It's been cost. Moving is EXPENSIVE.

There's the upfront costs, like the application fee, first/last month's rent and security deposit. I was prepared for that. But then there's the cost of literally everything you need for an apartment. We don't have anything. No bed. No couch. No pots or pans or plates. We're moving into a completely empty apartment and unpacking...a bunch of clothes, mostly.

So to help me collect all my thoughts, I made this list of the absolute necessities that I need to buy, and how much they cost. Or rather, much I assume they cost, because I'm not doing any research. Share in this anxiety with me!


  1. A bed and a mattress. If one of you is very tall (say, for example, 6'3"), you need a queen size bed. It's not indulgent. It's necessary. $1000?
  2. A couch. If you plan to ever have a guest and you are moving into a one bedroom, make it a sofa bed. $600?
  3. A microwave, if your apartment didn't come with one and you suck at making rice so you always just buy the Uncle Ben's microwave bags. $50?
  4. Cookware. Nothing fancy, probably all nonstick because they'll come in a set. You're going to be stingy with this purchase despite all warnings. $60?
  5. Plates, bowls, cups, silverware. How many of each of these things do you need? Like a 12 piece set? There are only 2 of you? $50? 
  6. A dresser. Maybe even 2 dressers, if you're a hoarder. Which you are. $100-200?
  7. A pretty area rug, if you can ever agree on something you both like. $1,200,000. Have you ever shopped for a rug? They're outrageous.
  8. This vegetable chopper thing where you just pull a string and it chops everything in a little cup! My friend has this and it's very cool and seems at least as important and necessary as anything else on this list so far. $11.
  9. A wine aerator that you put on top of a bottle of red wine so air flows through it while you pour and your $12 bottle tastes like a $100 bottle, according to the amazon reviews. $7. Plus a bottle of wine ($12)
  10. Fake plants because you like greenery but you kill everything you touch, even succulents which are supposed to be sturdy but aren't. Succulents are a lie. $60?
  11. A custom neon sign for the wall. How cool is that? So cool. $300?
  12. Lightbulbs that talk to your Google Home so you can say "okay google, make the room purple." $199.
  13. Hermit crabs from a mall kiosk. A home isn't a home without a pet! But city pets are sad, and you don't have to walk a hermit crab. $20? 
  14. A set of three (3) garden gnomes doing yoga. I was looking at the Nordstrom website hoping to find something stupid like that rock in a leather pouch they sold for $85, but then I found these. I didn't even know I was missing them from my life! But I was! $90
  15. A bookshelf with a secret room behind it, for if you ever need to hide/just want a quiet place to get away from it all, you know? 

That last one only costs like $2000 if we use an existing door! A bargain. So since all of these items are of equal importance and utility to me, I guess I'll see y'all on the other side of $1,204,659! 


I've never been into Instagram. I post every few weeks to keep up appearances, of course. I recognize the importance of maintaining an idealized image of my life, in case anyone from high school is wondering how I'm doing. I look great, everyone! I'm incredibly successful and I'm getting younger/thinner by the day!

But aside from the occasional photo of myself or this one photo of a wolf that I post every few Throwback Thursdays if I remember, Instagram has largely eluded me. I'm always hearing about communities that have sprung up through the app, and reading about real-life relationships Instagram has helped foster. But if there's an Instagram community out there for me, I've yet to find it. My "explore" page thinks I'm a teenager. All it shows me is photos of the girls from Dance Moms and promposals. Sometimes I get a pitbull puppy, and I welcome it happily, but even that isn't quite "me."

So here are some Instagram communities that I'd like to join. If you're out there, please find me @kellyefine.

  • #OneTattoo: I follow dozens of tattoo artists, but I only have the one tattoo so far, and I still have some anxiety about it, and I would love some support while I consider getting another. 
  • #TooLateToTumblr: I would enjoy screenshots of Tumblr's "Best Of" posts. I am too old and too late to really cultivate a good Tumblr account, but I love to consume content!
  • #UnstylishButTrying: This would just be people that are wearing very basic combinations of very basic staple articles of clothing that I also own, so that I can learn to wear more than just 6 outfits on a rotation.
  • #WePreferTwitter: People can share their favorite people to follow on Twitter. It's sort of like what The Fat Jewish does, except we wouldn't steal people's jokes and then get a book deal. Didn't he also make a brand of rosé? 
  • #IHateToCook: This would be like Tasty videos, but with realistic images of the food and like 1/4 of the ingredients and it would all be tailored to my exact dietary restrictions, which are mostly that I can't eat lactose and I don't like things that are vinegar-y or tomatoes or shrimp because they have gross textures.
  • #FitnessOrNot,EitherIsFine: Imagine a supportive community of women saying hey, you know what, you CAN go to the gym! Maybe you even should! But if you can only really handle half of one of those 28-minute Kayla Itsines workouts, that counts! If you totally meant to go to kickboxing but then you accidentally sat down on your bed and it was all over from there, we're here for you, sister. It's like if the #FitFam had fewer abs and more excuses!
  • #Aestheticless: This community would either help me find and embrace an aesthetic, both on and offline, or help me live a full life secure in the knowledge that I can survive and maybe even thrive without one.
  • #MediocreEyebrows: I don't WANT to spend 15 minutes filling in my eyebrows! Show off your naturally subpar brows, people of instagram! Be off-fleek and proud!!!