11:15 pm

I've left every party I’ve ever been to at 11:15pm. Sharp.

I’ve ghosted events both big and small. Housewarmings and happy hours, corporate christmases and particularly long birthday dinners. On a few occasions, this Cinderella tendency has burned me. Once, I left a college formal mere minutes before Shwayze made an inexplicable appearance. Just last week, I left a big warehouse party right before Nelly put on a surprise performance. What I'm saying is that you've never seen me and any popular 2000s rappers in the same room at the same time. Am I the Hannah Montana of aughts Hip Hop? Maybe.

Anyway, I've recently started wondering what I'm missing out on. I might actually never find out, but here are the parties I assume happen after I Irish Goodbye:

1. An intimate but high energy cocktail party wherein Certified American Treasure™ Tina Fey circles the room gracefully. One by one, she offers each guest individualized validating statements. Everyone feels both warm and worthy.

2. A reunion of every nice drunk girl I've ever met and immediately fallen in love with in a bar bathroom. Everyone is so friendly and so pretty. Lots of compliments are shared. Everyone leaves with 100 new iPhone contacts with names like "Sarah Buckshot Bar" or "Beth NewFriend."

3. Something like speed dating with all the ex Bachelor contestants I love to Instagram stalk. They're handing out Fab Fit Fun boxes as party favors. Those gummy vitamins that give you shiny hair are in bowls all around, like Biotin-enriched bar nuts. In a corner somewhere, Ashley I. and Jared are whispering together. Are they or aren't they? Had I stayed, I might’ve found out.

4. A secret performance by Beyoncé's newborn twins, feat. fellow celebrity baby Luna Legend. This would take place at whatever the rich version of Chuck E. Cheese is. Surely celeb babies aren't sharing a ball pit with common children. They only get E.coli from kids with 300k+ instagram followers.

5. A masquerade party where the masks are actually terrifying. To make matters worse, everyone invited went to my high school or a surrounding high school and they haven't changed at all. It's just like prom, but I can't leave early to watch my terrible date smoke synthetic weed and play video games for 3 hours.

On second thought, I'm good.


Moving On Up (Nothing Can Stop Me)

After 4 years and 4 states, Nathan and I are moving in together. We're making the leap. Taking the plunge. I tried to think of a third idiom to include here because I like lists of three, but I couldn't think of one. 

As exciting as it is to take the next step in my relationship (oh, there's that last idiom), it's also really anxiety-inducing. But my foremost concern hasn't really been cohabitation. It's been cost. Moving is EXPENSIVE.

There's the upfront costs, like the application fee, first/last month's rent and security deposit. I was prepared for that. But then there's the cost of literally everything you need for an apartment. We don't have anything. No bed. No couch. No pots or pans or plates. We're moving into a completely empty apartment and unpacking...a bunch of clothes, mostly.

So to help me collect all my thoughts, I made this list of the absolute necessities that I need to buy, and how much they cost. Or rather, much I assume they cost, because I'm not doing any research. Share in this anxiety with me!


  1. A bed and a mattress. If one of you is very tall (say, for example, 6'3"), you need a queen size bed. It's not indulgent. It's necessary. $1000?
  2. A couch. If you plan to ever have a guest and you are moving into a one bedroom, make it a sofa bed. $600?
  3. A microwave, if your apartment didn't come with one and you suck at making rice so you always just buy the Uncle Ben's microwave bags. $50?
  4. Cookware. Nothing fancy, probably all nonstick because they'll come in a set. You're going to be stingy with this purchase despite all warnings. $60?
  5. Plates, bowls, cups, silverware. How many of each of these things do you need? Like a 12 piece set? There are only 2 of you? $50? 
  6. A dresser. Maybe even 2 dressers, if you're a hoarder. Which you are. $100-200?
  7. A pretty area rug, if you can ever agree on something you both like. $1,200,000. Have you ever shopped for a rug? They're outrageous.
  8. This vegetable chopper thing where you just pull a string and it chops everything in a little cup! My friend has this and it's very cool and seems at least as important and necessary as anything else on this list so far. $11.
  9. A wine aerator that you put on top of a bottle of red wine so air flows through it while you pour and your $12 bottle tastes like a $100 bottle, according to the amazon reviews. $7. Plus a bottle of wine ($12)
  10. Fake plants because you like greenery but you kill everything you touch, even succulents which are supposed to be sturdy but aren't. Succulents are a lie. $60?
  11. A custom neon sign for the wall. How cool is that? So cool. $300?
  12. Lightbulbs that talk to your Google Home so you can say "okay google, make the room purple." $199.
  13. Hermit crabs from a mall kiosk. A home isn't a home without a pet! But city pets are sad, and you don't have to walk a hermit crab. $20? 
  14. A set of three (3) garden gnomes doing yoga. I was looking at the Nordstrom website hoping to find something stupid like that rock in a leather pouch they sold for $85, but then I found these. I didn't even know I was missing them from my life! But I was! $90
  15. A bookshelf with a secret room behind it, for if you ever need to hide/just want a quiet place to get away from it all, you know? 

That last one only costs like $2000 if we use an existing door! A bargain. So since all of these items are of equal importance and utility to me, I guess I'll see y'all on the other side of $1,204,659!