Kelly E Fine

The Way I See It

Things That Aren't Therapy

I was in therapy for a year. It was good! My therapist's name was the same as a famous comedian and every time she emailed me I thought "IS THIS IT?" but it was obviously always my therapist and never the famous comedian.

Then my therapist moved to Westchester and I thought, "well I'm fine now anyway, therapy has already Solved My Problems." I replaced therapy with a lot of things that feel good—and might even be good—but are not, in fact, replacements for therapy. 

  1. Buying fresh new notebooks, free from water damage or banner ad copy or bad ideas
  2. Looking at my savings account slowly grow 
  3. Listening to podcasts 24/7 in order to drown out my own thoughts
  4. Tracking my caloric intake
  5. Rewatching The Good Place (but this feels close)
  6. Obsessively following the news
  7. Looking at dogs I can't pet on Instagram
  8. Rosé
  9. Meditating, but only right before bed when I'm going to fall asleep anyway.
  10. Cheap sushi that is good enough
  11. Faving good tweets
  12. Spending $5 a week on Angry Birds gems so I can enjoy a better gameplay experience
  13. Congratulating myself if I make it to the gym once a week
  14. Checking how many searches I appeared in on LinkedIn
  15. Watching stand up comedians joke about the progress they're making in their own therapy
  16. Buying one-time-use shirts from Old Navy that never survive the washing machine, even if I hang-dry
  17. Using boybrow
  18. Eating vegan ice cream even though I really want normal ice cream

And here's numbers 19-21: Searching for therapists on Psychology Today, then sending a burst of emails, then never following up. It's hard! But it's not actually that hard. I'm gonna try again now. 

 

Kelly Fine
Things I'm Letting Go Of In My 26th Year

Today is my 26th birthday. I feel the same as I always do on my birthday. A little anxious. A little sad. Incredibly attention starved. 

I normally spend this day thinking about what I learned in the last year. But when I woke up, all I could think about was how much I didn't learn. Or rather, how many things I'm holding on to. How many things are holding me back. Here's the list of preoccupations I'm letting go of in my 26th year:

  1. I have this memory of secretly letting my sister's Iguana off of its leash, and it never coming back. Did that really happen? Was I monster? Am I still?
     
  2.  The %n trick was mean. 
     
  3. Why did I spend so much of 2009 watching boys play video games? That sucked so bad!
     
  4. And you know what else sucked so bad? Every year of elementary school my teachers made me apply for gifted and talented, and every year I didn't get in! 
     
  5. Once I was at a sleepover and borrowed a cordless phone and dialed RadioDisney over and over for an hour. When I finally got through, I asked them to play The Way You Make Me Feel. They never did! And then everyone at the party thought I lied!
     
  6. Speaking of Radio Disney, I can't believe Sophia F got to burp live on the air. And I can't believe she didn't make a bigger deal about it afterwards. I was on a British radio station last year because I accidentally went viral and I find a reason to bring it up every day, if I can. Now, for example. Maybe this should also be number 7.
     
  7. See above.
     
  8. For a long time I hated Taylor Swift and everyone thought I was dramatic. Now everyone is on board too and I don't hate her as much! Maybe she deserves a second chance! 
     
  9. I'm a contrarian. I always have been. It's so dumb. It's definitely why I am reconsidering my opinion of Taylor Swift and It's also definitely why I've never seen the movie Up. I'm gonna work on it, I guess.
     
  10. I cannot believe I let someone cut bangs on me in 2005 and then kept cutting bangs on me for 3 years.
     
  11. In 12th grade, this mean girl told me I had a mustache, so I got it waxed. The wax burned me, and then I had a burn mustache, which is MUCH worse.  I think about it a lot.
     
  12. I should have gone out more in college. 
     
  13. In second grade, my mom got me this sweet blue suede pearl snap from Limited Too and I lost it. I miss that shirt still.
     
  14. I am really funny, and I should have more twitter followers, and I am bitter.
     
  15.  I have this recurring nightmare that I take out my retainer, and all my teeth are attached to it instead of my mouth. And then I go find my mom, who is waiting in a very long line, and she gets angry at me for losing my teeth.  
     
  16.  I still have my blankie from when I was a child. It's a torn up piece of a twin sized sheet. What am I supposed to do with this as I get even older? I can't get rid of it. Should I put it in a shadow box?  Is that even weirder?
     
  17. I have a constant fear that someone is going to ask me to fill in a map of the United States, and I won't be able to, and it'll ruin me. I tried to learn all the states! Missouri just will! Not! Stick!
     
  18. I think I'm done trying to like Tomatoes
     
  19. I have weird toes. They're super tiny and sorta cartoony. 26 is the year I stop apologizing for my tiny nails when I get a pedicure.
     
  20. Humpty Dumpty is a children's story about a man falling to his death. Wtf?

I wanted to get to 26 things, but the premise of this list is already so tenuous that I couldn't do it. Maybe I'll update throughout the year. Probably I won't. Regardless, happy birthday to me. I hope my 26th year is carefree as hell.

Kelly Fine