About a month ago, I tried to start running again. Not very far, and not very fast, but just a mile here and there when it’s not too hot or cold or wet or dry or sunny or dark outside.

On one of these runs, I decided after a tortured 6 minutes to just stop running and eat sushi instead. The hostess sat me at the sushi bar, which is the best place to sit alone because you can eavesdrop on everyone. After I ordered, a man sat next to me and announced to his date (and the entire restaurant) “I don't look at menus, and I’m ordering for us.”

And so began the most obnoxious conversation I’d ever overheard. I started to live tweet it because I’m a monster, and before long, there were a LOT of people paying attention. Like thousands of people. By the time I left the restaurant an hour later, my original tweet had more than 400 retweets and over a thousand likes, plus enough replies to send my poor iPhone battery straight into a coma.

There's a couple on their first date at this sushi place and the guy announced "I don't look at menus. And I'm ordering for us." Girl.

— Kelly Fine (@KellyeFine) November 17, 2016

Then the articles started. First I was on Mashable. Then Thrillist, the DailyDot and Elite Daily. Then a slew of UK publications like The Sun and the Mirror. Then the UK verticals of Huffington Post and Cosmo, and eventually their American counterparts.  I was interviewed on air by the UK radio station Capital London (London’s number one pop music station!!), and George Takei shared the story on his Facebook page. The New York Post did a dramatic reading.

BroBible called me a “fucking loser man,” and commenters across the web called me the C word. Not “cool,” but the other one. 

In total, my first tweet has more than 300,000 impressions, and the entire chain garnered 12.9 million. I went from having a modest (but faithful!) 1,000 followers to nearly 4,000. It was...bizarre.

I’ve been tweeting for six years. I’ve worked on so many projects I basically begged people to look at, (by the way, have you checked out Faux Ho Ho yet?) and it was eavesdropping that finally got noticed. If I’d known beforehand, I might have spellchecked. Such is life.

When I texted my mom to tell her I went viral, she replied “Is that good? Drink lots of water!” Stay thirsty, my friends.

Right after I graduated college, I wrote a blog post exploring possible hobbies I could pick up. It's been 2.5 years, almost as long as I was actually in college, and I've tried just one of the 8 hobbies I listed. But sometime after I moved to Boston, I haven't determined exactly when, I finally found my calling. It's hard boiling eggs. I'm excellent at it. And now I'm going to spread the gospel.

Here are the 3 definitive methods to boiling the perfect eggs.

Method One: Just Boil 'Em.

You need an egg-timer for this one. Probably.

Step 1: Fill a medium pot with enough cold water to cover your eggs in 1 inch of water. Put your egg timer in the pot, too. 

Step 2: Put the pot on the stove on medium heat, uncovered

Step 3: Add a splash of white vinegar, if you have it. If you don't have it, don't add it. Live your truth.

Step 4: Walk away from your eggs and turn on Dance Moms. Watch about 10 minutes of Dance Moms, then start to stalk all the Dance Moms dancers on Instagram. Feel a little weird about it because they're like 13, but don't stop. Go down, down, down the rabbit hole until you've blown through 3 or 4 random fan accounts for each girl, and then suddenly realize you haven't been keeping track of your eggs at all.

Step 5: Check on your eggs. If the egg timer indicates they are at "medium," congratulations, you've nailed it. If the egg timer has changed colors completely, congratulations, you probably didn't nail it, but the eggs are still gonna be fine.

Step 6: Drain the eggs and cover them in cold running water to stop them from cooking. Hope for the best.

Method Two: Steam 'Em

Step 1: Fill a medium pot with enough cold water to cover your eggs in 1 inch of water. 

Step 2: Put the pot on the stove on medium heat, uncovered.

Step 3: Add a splash of white vinegar, if you have it. If you don't have it, don't add it. Live your truth.

Step 4: Watch the pot until it boils. Think to yourself, "My mom always said a watched pot never boils, and she was right, this is awful." Add some salt to the water. 

Step 5: Once the water has boiled, remove the pot from the heat and cover it. Set a timer for 3 minutes for very soft boiled eggs, 4 for medium, 6 for hard boiled. 

Step 6: Sit down on the couch and open your mobile game of choice. I recommend Two Dots or Toy Blast. Get stuck on whatever level you've been stuck on, and use all your lives. Put your phone on airplane mode, open your settings-->general-->date and time, and set the time to 2-3 hours in the future. Open the game again and let it register the new time. Go back to your settings and set the time to automatic again, and then take your phone off airplane mode. Congratulations, you have a full set of lives. Win your level! 

Step 7: Realize that when you changed the time, you messed up the timer. Whoops! Drain the eggs and cover them in cold running water to stop them from cooking. Hope for the best.

Method 3: Boil And Drop 'Em

Step 1: Fill a medium pot with hot water

Step 2: Put the pot on the stove on high heat, covered.

Step 3: Add a splash of white vinegar, if you have it. If you don't have it, don't add it. Live your truth.

Step 4: Watch the pot until it boils. Think to yourself, "My mom always said a watched pot never boils," so just walk away from the pot. Tell your roommate about the weird dream you had last night, wherein you were at a Marriott hotel and you had a French oral exam. You had to choose a topic to talk about out of a hat, and you somehow drew the topic of abortion. Sure. You went into the testing room and spoke about women's health at length to a rabbi that looked like Larry King, and then after you were done, you started getting texts from your sister Katie saying "congratulations, the Rabbi said you won the exam! You changed his mind!" Then you went in to thank the Rabbi for saying such nice things about you to your sister, and he was just sleeping on the floor with a bunch of yoga mats scattered around. You rolled up the yoga mats quietly without disturbing him because you're a mensch. 

Step 5: Halfway through the dream, when your other roommate comes home, start telling her about it from the beginning.  When your first roommate leaves quietly because she's just trying to study for the bar and you won't shut up, it's time to check if your egg water is boiling.

Step 6: Once the water is boiling, reduce the heat to low. Then carefully lower each egg into the simmering water. Be careful, because if you just plop them in, they'll break! 

Step 7: Boil the eggs for 8-12 minutes, depending on how hard you like them. Set the timer on the microwave so you can't mess it up this time, you fool. 

Step 8: Drain the eggs and cover them in cold running water to stop them from cooking. Hope for the best.

So there you have it, the 3 fool-proof methods for making the perfect hard boiled egg. Enjoy!