The Way I See It

11:15 pm

I've left every party I’ve ever been to at 11:15pm. Sharp.

I’ve ghosted events both big and small. Housewarmings and happy hours, corporate christmases and particularly long birthday dinners. On a few occasions, this Cinderella tendency has burned me. Once, I left a college formal mere minutes before Shwayze made an inexplicable appearance. Just last week, I left a big warehouse party right before Nelly put on a surprise performance. What I'm saying is that you've never seen me and any popular 2000s rappers in the same room at the same time. Am I the Hannah Montana of aughts Hip Hop? Maybe.

Anyway, I've recently started wondering what I'm missing out on. I might actually never find out, but here are the parties I assume happen after I Irish Goodbye:

1. An intimate but high energy cocktail party wherein Certified American Treasure™ Tina Fey circles the room gracefully. One by one, she offers each guest individualized validating statements. Everyone feels both warm and worthy.

2. A reunion of every nice drunk girl I've ever met and immediately fallen in love with in a bar bathroom. Everyone is so friendly and so pretty. Lots of compliments are shared. Everyone leaves with 100 new iPhone contacts with names like "Sarah Buckshot Bar" or "Beth NewFriend."

3. Something like speed dating with all the ex Bachelor contestants I love to Instagram stalk. They're handing out Fab Fit Fun boxes as party favors. Those gummy vitamins that give you shiny hair are in bowls all around, like Biotin-enriched bar nuts. In a corner somewhere, Ashley I. and Jared are whispering together. Are they or aren't they? Had I stayed, I might’ve found out.

4. A secret performance by Beyoncé's newborn twins, feat. fellow celebrity baby Luna Legend. This would take place at whatever the rich version of Chuck E. Cheese is. Surely celeb babies aren't sharing a ball pit with common children. They only get E.coli from kids with 300k+ instagram followers.

5. A masquerade party where the masks are actually terrifying. To make matters worse, everyone invited went to my high school or a surrounding high school and they haven't changed at all. It's just like prom, but I can't leave early to watch my terrible date smoke synthetic weed and play video games for 3 hours.

On second thought, I'm good.


Kelly Fine