Preparing For Your First Winter

6 months ago, I moved from Austin, Texas, where the average winter temperature is 62 degrees (the average summer temperature is 162 degrees) to Boston, Massachusetts, where the average winter temperature is 33 degrees. Once, in 1946, it reached -36 degrees here.

Last year, I observed the polar vortex via twitter while I sipped frozen margaritas. On more than one occasion, I verbally asserted that people living in the Northeast should just be used to the weather and stop inundating my twitter feed with their complaints. That’s why I know I have it coming. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, this winter will be “colder and slightly wetter than normal.” But if you follow this handy list, you will probably survive this.

  1. Spend all your money on a big, puffy winter coat. It should go past your ass, because it is widely known that you lose a lot of necessary body heat through your butt. That’s just science.

  2. Spend all your money on sweaters. Buy more sweaters than you’d ever thought one person could need. Construct an entire winter wardrobe out of sweaters. Become a sweater.

  3. Spend all your money on wine. You are definitely not going to want to trudge through the “colder, slightly wetter than normal” snow to purchase more alcohol at the liquor store. Go ahead and purchase enough to drink 2-3** bottles a week for the duration of the season. Wine keeps you warm!

  4. Spend all your money on high speed internet. You know how your soul feels while you wait for Netflix to buffer? Imagine that, but you’re on your 10th consecutive episode of Gilmore Girls and your teeth are chattering. The only thing you should have more of than blankets is bandwidth.

Good luck! Don’t die!

 

**Editor's Note, 1/21/2016: You will need closer to 5-6 bottles of wine. 2015 was a doozy.