6 months ago, I moved from Austin, Texas, where the average winter temperature is 62 degrees (the average summer temperature is 162 degrees) to Boston, Massachusetts, where the average winter temperature is 33 degrees. Once, in 1946, it reached -36 degrees here.

Last year, I observed the polar vortex via twitter while I sipped frozen margaritas. On more than one occasion, I verbally asserted that people living in the Northeast should just be used to the weather and stop inundating my twitter feed with their complaints. That’s why I know I have it coming. According to the Farmer’s Almanac, this winter will be “colder and slightly wetter than normal.” But if you follow this handy list, you will probably survive this.

1. Spend all your money on a big, puffy winter coat. It should go past your ass, because it is widely known that you lose a lot of necessary body heat through your butt. That’s just science.

2. Spend all your money on sweaters. Buy more sweaters than you’d ever thought one person could need. Construct an entire winter wardrobe out of sweaters. Become a sweater.

3. Spend all your money on wine. You are definitely not going to want to trudge through the “colder, slightly wetter than normal” snow to purchase more alcohol at the liquor store. Go ahead and purchase enough to drink 2-3** bottles a week for the duration of the season. Wine keeps you warm!

4. Spend all your money on high speed internet. You know how your soul feels while you wait for Netflix to buffer? Imagine that, but you’re on your 10th consecutive episode of Gilmore Girls and your teeth are chattering. The only thing you should have more of than blankets is bandwidth.

Good luck! Don’t die!

**Editor's Note, 1/21/2016: You will need closer to 5-6 bottles of wine. 2015 was a doozy.

Photo by Daveynin

Yesterday, I received a text from my bank alerting me of some possibly fraudulent activity on my debit card. Despite the fact that it was tucked securely in my wallet, right next to my Qdoba rewards card, someone was using the number at a gas station in Lebanon. I can only assume they used the $97.60 to buy a tank of gas and then 57 hot dogs.

The matter was resolved very quickly, but my bank prompted me to comb through my recent activity and ensure everything else was kosher. Well, USAA, you were right. I have found some charges that must be fraudulent because I would never spend money so irresponsibly.

Over the last 30 days, these charges amount to:

$45.17 at J.P. Licks, an ice cream store. This absolutely could not have been me, because I’m lactose intolerant! Granted, I love ice cream. Granted, sometimes all I need after a long day is a cup of strawberry ice cream with hot caramel topping. Granted, I absolutely ate here 9 times last month. I’d like to dispute these charges.

$68.30 at Trader Joe’s. It isn’t the amount that is shocking here, it’s that each charge was roughly $21 each, three days in a row, at the exact same time. This absolutely could not have been me. Surely, I am physically capable of getting off of the train and walking home without spending money. Unless, of course, this has anything to do with all the frozen pizzas in the freezer and the several empty boxes of green tea mochi in the recycle bin? Those were all me. Otherwise, these are totally fraudulent. I’d like to dispute these charges.

$14.99 at the Allston Wine Shop. This absolutely was me. I will take full responsibility for this, although, I believe there has been a mistake. This should be much, much higher. I have likely spent closer to $55 at this wine shop in the last 30 days. I’d like to dispute these charges.

$66.42 on Uber rides. This absolutely could not have been me. I’m not this lazy. I walk places! I take public transportation, unless it’s really far or cold or dark or late or I’m drunk! I definitely would never pay the $5 minimum just to haul my laundry to the laundromat and back. I would never take a $12 ride home from the gym during rush hour just to avoid the Red Sox fan-packed train. I would like to dispute these charges.

$23.02 at Papyrus. This absolutely could not have been me. I don’t even know $23.02 worth of people that need fancy cards. Although it was recently my father’s birthday, and a coworker announced her pregnancy and a friend moved into a new apartment in a new city. But other than those people and a few other people, I definitely couldn’t have spent this much at Papyrus. I’d like to dispute these charges.

This article originally published on The Billfold, 10/23/14